The KFC and Coors Light Crowds

Ahh… a topic sure to incite riots and get me doused with all manor of Hatorade and racist garbage.  I've lumped these two disparate crowds together to show that I'm an equal opportunity hater and to show that they're not that different at all.


Over the years I've bartended (coming up on 20), I've never worked at a dive bar.  They've always been moderately upscale to high-end – mostly casual restaurant bars.  I can't tell you how it makes me shriek and want to dump my condiment tray on your head after you've looked at the menu and proceed to say something like "y'all ain't got no chicken fingers or mozerella sticks up in here?" or "lemme get an Incredible Hulk" (right after looking at our specialty drink menu).  After politely noting we don't carry the ingredients, this is usually followed by requests for Ciroc, Alize or E&J ummm Brandy.  


Suffice it to say, this scene is most repeated for some reason on late Friday and Saturday nights – the established bartender's least favoriate nights to get stuck with.  Most cubicle grunts won't understand this phenomenon but in all the watering holes I've worked in, I'd much rather work earlier weeknights that are often visibly slower than weekends and avoid the dreaded "Bridge & Tunnel" crowd and late night revelers that are already feeling nice from the other spots they jut celebrated their BFF's engagement at. 


It would be wise to walk into a place, evaluate the neighborhood, take a look around at the atmosphere, other patrons dress style, liquors and beers on the back bar, drunkeness level and try your best not to be a complete standout, no? No kidding. You wouldn't go to an industrial park's roving rave party and order Louix IV in a warmed crystal snifter, tuna tartar, and creme brulee would you?  


Back to the KFC crowd.  I can't tell you how I loathe the comments "I can't taste no alchohol in here.  This isn't strong enough.  Make it strong!" blaa blaa blaa.  This is another favorite routine of the same type of customers, taught from generation to generation to try and getover on inexperienced bartenders.  I'll cover the not strong enough dealings elsewhere.  However, these same folks are often the ones who will either stiff you entirely on a $100 tab or leave something like $3.00.  Yikes!  Often, this isn't noticed until they've left.  At this point, I've expended all kinds of engergy getting their drinks to their liking, bringing extra mayo/napkins/plates/olives, listening to their rants, removing an unliked dish from their check, and listening to thei conversations about their wife-cheating ways at a volume thatn can be heard by every patron at the bar and restaurant, while taking care of 30 other bar patrons that I just hang my head down in frustration and sadness.  This bunch of jokers is often found wearing track suits, ridiculous bling, backwards or cocked hats, bad posture, pants on the ground and just about never rolls up to the scene in anything that is wearing 22" Dubs and tint.  


Now for the Coors Light crowd – another favorite weekend bunch.  Firstly, Coors Light, Bud Light, MGD, etc. are pisswater and I don't touch the stuff unless at a party and that's the only option.  But that's another conversation about beer snobbery.  These folks quite often fit the same mold as the KFC crowd to a tee in terms of behavior.  The names of their affections are different is all.  The rest of the story is more or less the same from being (1) demanding (2) shocked we don't carry cheap American suds and tipping like crap(they're often broke young kids from the 'burbs out in the Big City and barely have a pot to piss in yet are perpertrating a fraud by acting as if they're Big Swingin' Dicks).  These tools are all too often conspicuously wearing NFL jersey's and backwards baseball hats and rarely come in alone.  They are also loud, obnoxious and demanding and are completely obsessed with making obnoxious sexual remarks to and rubbing up on the first girl with a pulse within earshot at the bar.  A quick and easy way to identify this crowd is with their overuse of the term "bro."  If older, they often have an abundance of tacky gold jewelry, portly beer/steak bellies and neatly coiffed blown out shellaced hairdos.  They are therefore easily identified and you can thus be prepared for them – kind of.  Some of these folks are extremely crafty and over the years have perfected the art of cheap living and getting over on bars/restaurants.  


Sadly, it only takes a few bad apples to ruin the bunch and taint the reputation of others.  As a result, some folks walk in acting similarly to what's' described above and I'm automatically predjudice – expecting to be treated rottenly and stiffed.  That's just not fair to either of us because most people of any persuasion are good, patient, properly tipping types.  I've sometimes shocked and feel like a terrible human being for expecting the worst from a customer and they wind up being the nicest patrons on Earth and tip extremely well.  But decades in the service industry have made me jaded.  I venture to say that lots of other waiters and bartenders have similar experiences and subsequent feelings.

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