Your Bref So Stank

Hygiene.  I mean really?  How much can I bash you over head with guidance before you realize you’re – uh – not so fresh?  How many times have you been in the midst of conversation, and subsequently been befuddled because your paramour “backs up the truck” 2 or 3 feet and exhibits “bitter beer face?”  Confuzzled?  Did I break wind or something?  Have they seen a rat?  Is there a piece of lettuce stuck in my teefs?

No you dirt-ass! You have stank-ass breath – a.k.a, Chronic Halitosis.  You can’t possibly be that dim-witted and not realize that your mouth feels and smells like an uber-ripe, clogged, downtown subway sewer in balmy July.  You have to do something about it you big dummy!

To make matters worse, you’re a foxy girl who otherwise has her shit together.  Since you’re hot, but your mouth is repugnantly vile (or as Oswald Bates would add, smells like bile), I’m only left to surmise, via progressive elaboration, that you are also a connoisseur of warm and exotic, Bavarian, aged cottage cheese somewhere else (South) on your person.   Contrary to your belief, or rather – long-term conditioning, your overall aura is not a compelling draw for members of the opposite – or err, same – sex.   Neither is your daily regiment of dousing yourself in that “lovely,” aromatic, and far reaching Patchouli oil.

Your daily diet Monday through Sunday consists of:

6am Snack

      • 2 Marlboro Reds
      • Double-Espresso, lemon twist
      • 2 slices of leftover, cold sausage pizza

AM Meal

      • 4 cups of Columbia’s best roast – extra light and extra sweet
      • 3 Marlboro Reds
      • Bacon, Cheese and Egg on a Kaiser roll wif heaps of ketchup and sauteed onions
      • 2 more Marlboro Reds


      • Onion Kulcha
      • Goat Biryani – extra spicy
      • Falafel Sammich featuring fried onions, ‘maters, cucumbers and extra garlic Tzatziki
      • 2 Marlboro Reds
      • Afternoon Snack
      • 2 Marlboro Reds


      • Double-bacon Cheeseburger with Pepper Jack and curly fries
      • Garlic Knots
      • Mango Lassi
      • Snickers Almond – King Size
      • 3 glasses of Robert Mondavi’s “finest” 6$/bottle Cabernet
      • 2 Marlboro Reds
      • 4 or 5 tokes of that good shit

Not too long ago, I had the pleasure of working with a large group of industry folks for an extended time.  One of them, you guessed it – a real live hot chick, had that all too common Chronic Halitosis.  Worse, as is implied, she had no god damned clue as to her problem (and still doesn’t).  She just goes through life happy-go-lucky while folks around her run for the hills – as far away as they can get without appearing offensive themselves.

I also previously worked with a barback or two who had the same fucking lack of awareness.  These dudes in particular had many chances to fix the issue as they were told point-blank that their mouths reeked of hell on Earth.

This problem doesn’t exclude customers at the bar. They’re probably the single biggest group of stinky-ass mouth offenders on the planet.  But, you can’t really tell them, can you?

Habits and diets can be changed.  Gastro-intestinal problems creating reflux can be treated with inexpensive medicines.  There are 2 or 3 very popular (albeit expensive) Halitosis care kits at your local pharmacy that are ultra-effective.

Get a grip and fix your mouth.  If you do, you might even have better luck hitting that Strange every now and then.

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