Bedouchery and Belligerence – Getting Your Ass Handed to You

3:42am ... Kiefer tussles with bouncers

Our boy Jack Bauer (er., Kiefer Sutherland) in his finest hour.

Some of us have been there, haven’t we? The Angry Drunk – belligerent, argumentative, loud, “forgetting” to pay, getting all up in people’s faces, spit-talking, shockingly bold and touch-feely with the neighboring guy/girl. Quite often, the asshat behavior is followed by increasing – shall we say – “attention” from some very large, intimidating men with walkie-talkies.  Often, the offenders awake a few hours later to find themselves (1) still arguing (2) behind bars or cuffed to a hospital gurney (3) covered in black-and-blue, bloody clothes, broken limbs and (4) seething in pain.

Over the years, I’ve seen, and have had to run interference for, far too many of these “incidents.”  So, what is it exactly, that makes a douchebag so frenzied?  What prompts a seemingly ordinary dude (and occasional chick) to invoke peoples’ ire to the point of a physical interaction and a resultant can of whoop-ass from the powers that be?  It’s not the obvious [alcohol].  It all can be explained in one word – upbringing.  I blame your idiotic, neglectful, alcoholic, dirt-ass parents.  They are the ones, through direct involvement or blatant negligence, who are most responsible for who you are – a violent dickhead.  Booze is simply a lubricant.  It doesn’t make you an idiot.  It just loosens you up and brings out what’s already under the surface.

Do you know how many morons I’ve seen do something , or a series of things, unbelievably stupid?  Those incidents run the gamut of (1) public sex at the bar – yes, actual sex (2) walking around naked or semi-naked (3) lighting up a smoke where it’s knowingly banned (4) do bumps off the bar – yep, really (5) grabbing a random ass without invitation (6) physically grabbing/assaulting an employee (7) throwing plates and glasses (9) walking behind the bar (10) grabbing a bottle from the well and helping yourself to a drink and  (11) literally running out on a check – sprinting down the block.  I’ve also  witnessed bats being hurled at employees, guns being pulled, one or two incidents of actual stabbings, and an attempt to run an employee down with a car.

Kiefer Sutherland with his pants down

The following takes place between 1:30 and 1:45 am

However, by far, the most frequent occurrence of foul play I’ve seen has been the belligerent, loud, obnoxious drunk dude who does not ever take “no” for an answer.  This is the assclown who believes he’s in his own home and can do whatever the fuck he pleases.  He’s sometimes calm at first.  But, as he gets lubed up, the behavior gradually degrades.  He’s frequently the guy that tells you “make it strong” and “I’ll hook you up later.”  Right… Those are well-known warnings for – you’re getting fucked on the tip.

Moreover, this dipshit has a propensity for getting very physical on a routine basis – the stereotypical Angry Drunk.  He’s a complete horndog and will typically show zero inhibition in terms of downright ruining the evening for every single girl, or gaggle of girls, who by sheer misfortune, have chosen to imbibe at the same bar as said asshole.  He’ll roll up behind any and every woman at the bar, embracing them with his hairy wingspan, and just get into it.  Sure enough, he’ll get brushed off and make his way towards the next victim.  For him, it’s all a numbers game and he’s gonna make damned sure, there’s a party goin’ on up in here.

Even more disturbing, what he really, really seems to live for, is getting into it with other dudes and quite often – bouncers.  This is guy who is exceedingly and frequently VERY loud – bordering on yelling in his drunk talk.  Both you and the manager routinely have to remind him to tone it down and perhaps, move to the other side of the bar.  He will routinely provoke or allow situations to escalate to the point where someone takes a swing at him.  He lives for that shit.  Non-events such as bumping into someone accidentally, spilling a brew or looking at his girl, turn in to downright front-page news throw-downs.

When asked to leave by the security staff, defiance sets in.  He’ll rattle off some testy shit like (a) I didn’t do anything (b) this is a public place [it's not] or (c) I’m alright, man.  I’m good, and go about his business even though some 350 pound, 6′ 5′ bouncer is about to rock his world.  Any reasonably sane person, would simply get the fuck out, move to the next bar, or come back another evening, no?

I mean… what is it about “You’re going to have to leave now” that idiots don’t understand? Would you roll into your best friends house, act the fool, and defy him/her if they asked you to leave?  Yet, here you are in a private establishment that happens to be open to the public.  You’re repeatedly asked to leave but put up a fight?  What the fuck?  Then you sometimes have the balls to try and fight the bouncers and try to make your way back in?  Holy crap!

So what happens, dipwad get’s dragged out like a clown – like so many other times.  In most cases, this is not the first time.  Anyway, these folks are talking shit, arguing with the bouncers during the entire melee, usually.  They do everything and anything they can to not listen and refuse to leave even though they’ve got two guys on their ass – each maybe 100 pounds brawnier.  Inevitably, this doesn’t wind up very well and they’ll get their asses handed to them.

On literally dozens of occasions, I’ve witnessed dumbasses get a slow-motion (in my mind) uppercut or terrifying hook right to the cranium, fly backwards and hit the pavement – head first – with a terrible thud, only to be knocked the fuck out.  Yeah – they might end up locked up, bloodied up, or whatever.  But, these clowns will be back for more I assure you.  Not only do they love their lives, but they’ve now gained yet another notch in their belts.  They’re utterly proud and now have another story to tell to bolster their egos.  Weird…

Moral? When asked to leave, leave…

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