One of these days, I’m going to pen a book and title it: “You Can Fix Stupid – Bar and Restaurant Etiquette 101.” I’m a firm proponent of state governments force-feeding every student some kind of course on manners and social skills in High School… you know – practical crap. The other evening at the bar… I got pawned yet again. I’ve endured similar transgressions more times, over the years, than I care to recall. Below, you’ll find the followup to Article #1:
Me: Hey there. Welcome to It Bar. Beautiful out, eh? What can I get you guys?
Dude: Er… eh.. Gimme a Vodka Soda
Me: Yes sir! Coming right up. Is Ketel alright? We also have Goose, Belvedere, Ciroc, Stoli, Absolut, and Chopin.
Dude: Umm… Yeah. Ketel’s cool. What do you want, hon?
Arm Kandy: I’ll take a Martini [goes about talking to Dude]
Me: Sure. But er… pardon me. What kind of Martini would you like? Vodka or Gin? Straight-up, on the rocks, twist or olives?
Arm Kandy: [Looks at Dude and does her best, white-girl, Oh-God-360] Look. A Martini is always vodka, dumbass!
Me: [slight pause of disbelief] I’m sorry ma’am, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. I’ll be glad to make your cocktail any way you’d like provided you let me know how you like it.
Arm Kandy: What kind of stupid did you major in – if you went to school at all? Are you brain-dead or something? I want a Martini!
Me: Thank, you Captain Obvious, for pointing out my complete lack of job qualifications and mind-reading skillz. Clearly, I was unaware that when you left your abode this evening, you did so neglecting to collect the elevated cranial processing-power, necessary to answer 2nd grade, simplex questions. Thanks as well for saving me from myself and my stupidity. I’ll remove myself from the behind the bar stat – because I have surely mistaken myself for a professional bartender.
May I point out to you, that despite what you mistakenly believe, a “Martini” has always been, and still is, Gin and Dry Vermouth? Vodka Martini’s are a relatively modern take on the classic recipe. It’s my job to ask – I dunno – in some useless attempt to satisfy you, the customer I guess. I’ll just make it with Ketel as well, ay?
Arm Kandy: Perfect, shit-head…
Me: No problem…