Martini Order Fail #2

One of these days, I’m going to pen a book and title it: “You Can Fix Stupid – Bar and Restaurant Etiquette 101.” I’m a firm proponent of state governments force-feeding every student some kind of course on manners and social skills in High School… you know – practical crap. The other evening at the bar… I got pawned yet again. I’ve endured similar transgressions more times, over the years, than I care to recall. Below, you’ll find the followup to Article #1:

Me: Hey there. Welcome to It Bar.  Beautiful out, eh? What can I get you guys?

Dude: Er… eh.. Gimme a Vodka Soda

Me: Yes sir! Coming right up.  Is Ketel alright? We also have Goose, Belvedere, Ciroc, Stoli, Absolut, and Chopin.

Dude: Umm… Yeah.  Ketel’s cool.  What do you want, hon?

Arm Kandy: I’ll take a Martini [goes about talking to Dude]

Me: Sure.  But er… pardon me.  What kind of Martini would you like? Vodka or Gin? Straight-up, on the rocks, twist or olives?

Arm Kandy: [Looks at Dude and does her best, white-girl, Oh-God-360] Look.  A Martini is always vodka, dumbass!

Me: [slight pause of disbelief] I’m sorry ma’am, but unfortunately, that’s not the case.  I’ll be glad to make your cocktail any way you’d like provided you let me know how you like it.

Arm Kandy: What kind of stupid did you major in – if you went to school at all? Are you brain-dead or something? I want a Martini!

Me: Thank, you Captain Obvious, for pointing out my complete lack of job qualifications and mind-reading skillz.  Clearly, I was unaware that when you left your abode this evening, you did so neglecting to collect the elevated cranial processing-power, necessary to answer 2nd grade, simplex questions. Thanks as well for saving me from myself and my stupidity. I’ll remove myself from the behind the bar stat – because I have surely mistaken myself for a professional bartender.

May I point out to you, that despite what you mistakenly believe, a “Martini” has always been, and still is, Gin and Dry Vermouth? Vodka Martini’s are a relatively modern take on the classic recipe.  It’s my job to ask – I dunno – in some useless attempt to satisfy you, the customer I guess.  I’ll just make it with Ketel as well, ay?

Arm Kandy: Perfect, shit-head…

Me: No problem…

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One thought on “Martini Order Fail #2

  1. “I’m a firm proponent of state governments force-feeding every student some kind of course on manners and social skills in High School… you know – practical crap.”

    I started working phone support for a training website about 8 months back, and since the first month I’ve been saying this. I wish they’d teach the basics of dealing with service industry, whether that’s phone support, bar and waitstaff, true technical support, mechanics, or whatever.

    Don’t waste my time, be polite, and communicate what you do know clearly, whether it’s about your problem or what you want to drink to forget your problems, and don’t try to tell me my job. If you could do it yourself you wouldn’t be talking to me.

    As a side note, I was thinking about trying to get a job as a bartender to learn a bit more about the wonderful world of alcohol (just hit 21), and maybe make a little more money with the evenings after I get off of my day job. I stumbled across your blog in that process, and I’ve been reading it nonstop since. If nothing else comes of it, I’ll at least be a better customer the next time I go to a bar. Thanks for the entertainment and the knowledge.

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