Shaken not Stirred, Stupid

I’ve been crafting Martinis for 18 years straight – professionally. I like to blow up my own head and pretend I know what the hell I’m doing sometimes. Scratch that – I do know what I’m doing and my Martinis are the shizzle.

A Martini is completely misunderstood by a large percentage of clowns under 28 or so. At least that’s been my experience with the hundreds/thousands of Martini orders I’ve received to date. A couple of nights ago, I got yet another chick who goes “Gimme a Martini – make it strong. ‘Cause it’s my birthday.” I was completely dumbfounded. Oh, I dunno – I guess I shouldn’t be so judgemental as they’re simply ignorant in most cases, not stupid.

Somewhere, within the last 10 – 20 years, some fool with a penchant for pranks, and a ridiculous dislike of Juniper, has completely bastardized the Martini and switched it up in young people’s heads from Gin to Vodka. There is a rampant misconception that only Vodka will save you from hangovers [not true] due to it’s “unadulterated” nature. Then there’s the proliferation of the “no-cal” or “low-cal” belief – which of course, is bullshit too. I really wish I knew which douchebag bartender, in which establishment was responsible for brainwashing the masses and popularizing Vodka Martinis. I’d like to promptly beat his ass to a bloody pulp politely remind him of the drink’s historical significance and the fact that Gin simply tastes better than Vodka rice cakes.

The problem is so pervasive, that an entire generation thinks I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing when I try to qualify their order by asking them “Gin or Vodka?” Clearly, I’m the idiot with two heads for entertaining such a ridiculous proposition – a Gin Martini. I don’t think so, man.

Taking things in yet another direction, there is the additional problem of the Martini preparation – Shaken v. Stirred. There is only one dude to blame for this epic controversy - James fucking Bond – the bloke in the above pic. Ian Fleming, Bond’s creator, was a dumbass.  In a couple of episodes, he thought Bond should order his Martini’s stirred, not shaken. In other episodes, Bond orders it shaken instead. In any case, the effect is net confusion. This mental mind fuck is really a subliminal message, an elaborate and successful ruse engineered by a secret society of Mensa members and doctoral students from the Stanford Psych program. It’s a little known fact, being revealed here for the first time ever, that Mr. Fleming was a patient of theirs, one of the first successful “graduate” of the brainwashing scheme – just like Raymond Shaw and Jason Bourne.

Let’s set one thing straight. Martinis serve one purpose – to get you feeling nice as quickly as possible (outside an I.V. drip of Grain Alcohol). Regular Martini drinkers, are alcoholics – pure and simple. They need the quickest delivery system that still maintains the illusion of class. The subset folks who insist on having their cocktails stirred instead of shaken, love to taste and feel the booze going down. Generally, the colder a drink is, the smoother it goes down. If it doesn’t feel like Pompei’s best molten lava going down, then to them, it’s not made right. It’s “bruised.”

I run into these types once in a while. If they ask me up front, sure – I’ll stir it. However, I’m still bold enough to never ask someone “shaken or stirred” because stirred is just plain wrong and the balance is off. Shaking a Martini not only gets it far colder, it provides the appropriate amount of ice meltage or (ugh) bruising.

I heart Goldfinger and Moonraker too. But, enough is enough. Get your palate straight, people

Share and Enjoy

Recent Related Posts

Leave a Reply