I work at a high-end establishment. I mean, 75% of the chicks could pass for strippers. They sport the most sizzling short-shorts and skimpy dresses you’ve ever seen. Five inch wedges and platforms are the only shoe seen. Boobage intentionally spilling out is de rigueur. Most of the guys keep tabs open with Amex Black Cards and have titles like Dr., Esq., and Phd. If they don’t have titles, they either some kind of sole proprietorship ( jewelers, rug importers, etc.) or are traders and hedge fund managers. There is rarely one guy during the week who isn’t sporting a long-sleeve, fresh-pressed button shirt or a full suit.
The price of admission to this circle is steep. One great thing about high-end, high-priced bars is that the frequency with which trashy, broke, problem-causing losers get in is inversely proportional to cost and exclusivity (for the most part). That’s not to say that there aren’t douchebags among the highly-educated and wealthy set – of course there are. But, there are far fewer.
Every now and again at my current bar, a little somethin’ sneaks past the goalie. Maybe the bouncers were taking a weed break for a few seconds or something – I dunno. Such was the case recently when a 20-something year old, Hanes t-shirt sporting Bro straddled up to the bar while I was rolling deep in the weeds. Below is how the encounter unfolded:
Me: Hey man. How’s it going? What can I get for you?
Dude: Umm… lemme get a Chopin and pineapple
Me: Sorry dude. We don’t have Chopin, but we do have A, B, C, D and E. How about…
Dude: I’ll get a Pineapple and Grey Goose.
Me: [pause] Oh. You want a Grey Goose and pineapple! Sure. Comin’ up.
Me: Here you go man.
Dude: Wait. How much did you pour in there?
Me: Say what? I poured a shot of Grey Goose.
Dude: I saw you pour from a can
Me: Yeah. That would be the mixer – the pineapple you asked for, remember?
Dude: Uhh… but how much vodka?
Me: A shot – an ounce and a half. That’s standard.
Dude: SHIT!!! I wanted more than that [weird undulating indicating severe disappointment or perhaps diarrhea]
Me: [pause and evil stare] Did you want a double? Cuz that’s the only way you get more – when you ask for and pay for more.
Dude: Well, that’s not how I usually have it [sure it's not]. I need more liquor. How much is a double?
Me + Dude in Unison: DOUBLE THE PRICE
Dude: [Ignores me and proceeds to kick it to the ladies next to him]
Me: What do you want to do, bro? [long pause - lots of other customers waiting]
Me: Look man, I DON”T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT. Pay me now, or give me back that fucking drink and leave.
The dude reluctantly whips out a credit card, and proceeds to sing his voucher with no tip (of course). Not two minutes later, Douchbag is sipping on someone else’s abandoned drink, then another.
Needless to say, I promptly had the dude escorted to the curb.