The Bro

POTUS Bro (Black Bro growed up), Bieb-Bro (Bro in training), Icing Bro and Funnel Bro

Bros – a bartender’s favorite type of customer – not. A Bro is held in such rarefied regard, that he gets his own, dedicated post.

What’s a “Bro” you ask? Bro, is short for “brother.” You can look at him as the White guy version of a Black Man’s “son.”

A Bro is a recent college grad, a retarded 5th year undergrad, or an even more retarded post-college 20-something year old loser. Bros are white guys – WASPy – usually of non-practicing Christian descent from places like (a) Ardsley, Katonah, and Dix Hills, NY (b) Randolph and Wayne, NJ and (c) various wealthy Connecticut enclaves. They make up part of the weekend NYC Bridge and Tunnel set. However, they can sometimes be found sharing a Craigslist Special, 3 or 4 in a bunch, living in certain areas of Manhattan and Brooklyn during the early stages of graduation from Bro to Douchebag (Bro’s often graduate to Douchebags with age). Their pads are sparsely furnished, fridges devoid of food (except for ketchup, WonderBread and O.J.), and the floors are littered with week-old empty pizza cartons and bugaboo-filled empty beer cans.

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Eleven Types of Bar Customers – Part 1

1. The Eagle: The Eagle is not satisfied with occupying a single bar stool or standing at the bar, consuming one person’s allotment of premium real estate while you’re in the weeds. The Eagle is intent on dropping his gym bag on the stool to his left and the afternoon’s shopping bags on the one to his right. If he can’t find stools, he’ll stand at the bar “spreading his wings” to cover 3 spaces – cockblocking any attempts by other customers to approach the bar.  The Eagle has a massive misunderstanding of “personal space.” He believes personal space means he’s at home and other guests should never be so bold as to step within six feet of him. If a customer dares come beside to order a drink or ask if a stool is taken, you can bet a argument will ensue.

2. The Wall Flower: The Wall Flower is the dude who comes in every single night to fraternize.  He gives the security staff the obligatory ‘Bama/Bro fistbump and spends a few minutes catching up with them. He makes the rounds doing the same with every bartender, every waitress and every floor manager.  However, The Wall Flower never buys a single drink. He does, however, make it a point to eavesdrop on private conversations and invite himself kindly to after-work staff functions and outings.

3. Da Mayor: The Mayor is an “elevated” version of The Wall Flower only, The Mayor actually drinks but tips like shit. He’s a wall flower and booze-hound who believes every F.O.H. is his best friend and will talk you to death if you let him.  The only way to escape his grasp is to throw your fellow newbie F.O.H. under the bus by gesturing him over and making introductions. You deflect Da Mayor’s attention to said newbie while abruptly making your escape. Da Mayor is a customer who illicits endless one way responses on your end like: uh-huh, yeah?, really?, and head bobs. You don’t actually interact with The Mayor in real conversation. It’s all one-sided. He loves to hear himself speak – incessantly. He’ll drive all your customers out the door by beating them senseless with his wit-stick and annoying banter. It’s best to ’86 this clown if possible.

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Shaken not Stirred, Stupid

I’ve been crafting Martinis for 18 years straight – professionally. I like to blow up my own head and pretend I know what the hell I’m doing sometimes. Scratch that – I do know what I’m doing and my Martinis are the shizzle.

A Martini is completely misunderstood by a large percentage of clowns under 28 or so. At least that’s been my experience with the hundreds/thousands of Martini orders I’ve received to date. A couple of nights ago, I got yet another chick who goes “Gimme a Martini – make it strong. ‘Cause it’s my birthday.” I was completely dumbfounded. Oh, I dunno – I guess I shouldn’t be so judgemental as they’re simply ignorant in most cases, not stupid.

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