Clowns Scare the Piss Out People

Halloween’s not as far off as you might think. “OCD Me” is already brainstorming on ideas for costumes that are both over-the-top unique as well as being somewaht functional for a 10 hour bar shift. I take my Halloween bartending shifts very seriously. It’s a big money night. Last year, “Bunny” and I (below) walked with $650 each if I recall. Along with being bartenders with seriously mad flighty skills and speed, we’re all-in when it comes to Halloween. That often includes our costumes, as well as being appropriately engaging (partying) with customers who’ve made serious efforts to stand out from your dime-a-dozen, cheaply accessorized Heath Ledger jokers, Batmans, Catholic School Girls, etc. Then there are the lame-asses who’s only idea of effort is to slap on a Afro wig and some sunglasses.

Unbeknownst to me prior to leaving my house, clowns scare the shit-piss out of little children and adults alike. That’s me above in full regalia, from last year. Right after this picture was taken, the cute wicked witch beside me broke down in a pool of tears, wailed banshee-like screams, and took a wicked flight for her nearby Mama. My only “crime” was to drop some choice candy in her bag, look her in the eye, and utter “happy Halloween” with a big grin.

But, she wasn’t the only one. Every one of my neighbors, their kids, the UPS guy, and strangers alike, all had the same reaction upon spotting me: utter terror. Many of them were visibly shaken. Others, did double-takes and voiced their approval of the costume while simultaneously, excusing themselves kindly then abruptly sprinting far, far away. At first, I didn’t understand the freakish reactions. As the evening wore on and I finally got to work, I kind of started to like the sentiment. The only problems with the costume were the odd synthetic hair continually looking for a new home in my eyeball, and the clown nose – which was constantly falling off due to sweat and mucho movement.

Being an accidentally terrifying clown does have it’s advantages. Bar bunnies, server elves, fairies and the like, love them some sexy ass-clown clown ass. Customers get a kick out of it too. Good clowns get people talking and subsequently, opening their wallets more than they normally would. And that’s what it’s all about isn’t it?

Bar piglets, especially depressed ones, are immune to clowns’ advances. They just don’t give a shit. Or, maybe it’s just that they have a little trouble sucking down pints. I can’t exactly put my finger on it.

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