Meet Captain Obvious

Meet Captain Obvious (Dubya is his idol). Captain Obvious’ nightly stint at the bar is the culmination of all his life’s endeavors – his place to be seen and unwind. He’s got his Wharton MBA, a six-figure salary and obscene bonus via some hedge fund or obscure Goldman trading desk, and a new lease on the latest BMW M5. He’s also a card-carrying, staunchly conservative republican. But, despite upper-crust C.O.’s elitist upbringing, he’s got zero grasp on common sense. He’s got no clue fold a fitted sheet, re-ignite a pilot light, change a tire or worst – order a drink. “Uhh… give me a Corona [pause]… with lime!” Well, no shit asshole…

There is no quicker way to brand yourself a complete idiot, than uttering some completely retarded adolescent phrase like the one above. You’ll instantly paint your self as a moronic summa-bitch who the bartender can count on to make an entire dollar on 4 drinks, 5 glasses of water and 3 hours of indulgent banter.

For the everyone’s sake, let’s highlight a few bar pointers, forbidden phrases, and don’ts for C.O.’s legions of admirers:

  1. Again, Corona fucking comes with lime automatically – everywhere and anywhere so quit asking for it.
  2. If a bartender tells you “[x] dollars please,” it’s god-damned time to pay your bill while he hovers over you. It’s not the time to clack away on your iPhone or carry on with the MILF next to you, completely disregarding instructions. This is not your fucking house. There are a myriad of other tasks the barman must attend to – waiting  incessantly for payment should not be one of them. If it’s really slow, you may be lucky enough not to be asked for immediate payment.
  3. Anything with Tonic Water automatically comes with lime so throw this request out also.
  4. A Martini was, and still is, made with Gin. When the bartender asks you (a) Gin or Vodka (b) on the rocks or up and (c) which kind of Gin/Vodka would you like, he’s doing his job. Don’t act like a complete dickwad and attempt to school him saying some stupid shit like “duh, all Martinis are made with vodka.”
  5. “Do I have to pay now?” Yes, you do fucktard. That’s why you’re being asked. If in doubt, cough up a credit card and ask to run a tab. If you don’t like that policy, there’s always TGIF, Bennigans, and UNOs who will all gladly honor your credit.
  6. “Can you find me a stool?” No. We are not the fucking hostess. You’re on your own at the bar.
  7. “What’s good here?” We have no fucking clue what you like or don’t like. Everyone’s tastes are different. Sure as shit though, we’ll show our best faux pearly-whites and rattle off a few meaningless suggestions that you probably won’t like anyway.
  8. “I’m friends with the owner” Oh? Then you’d best learn to STFU about it. Newsflash: the bartenders usually have an intimate relationship with the owners. Friends/relatives of owners never utter this stupid phrase in an attempt to get free shit.

Carry on.

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