Things that make
guests customers look, sound, and be treated as… wait for it – stupid.
1. “Give me a Ketel and Vodka – on the rocks” Translation: I’m 27. I work at Staples Copy Center. I live in my parent’s basement, have recently graduated from The Chubb Institute of Technology, and would not be where I am today without municipal assistance and a refillable prescription of Clonazepam. PSA: think before you speak and before you order.
3. “Corona – with lime” or “Gin and Tonic – with lime” Translation: dumbass. Corona’s come with lime. Anything with Quinine (tonic water), automagically gets a lime. That’s like Rule #1 of Bartending.
4. “What’s good here?” Translation: You’re an indecisive, comatose, doormat of a person who trys on 7 outfits each morning before making a final decision, always relies on a date to pick a restaurant, is 22 years old, or all of the above. PSA: ask for the house cocktail menu and study it. Alternatively, take a gander at the wide selection of spirits and malt beverages that adorn the wall behind me. I assure you, the three webbed, crusty wheels in your noggin will magically start turning and come up with something to order. Throw me a bone, something to work with, by offering up that you like vodka and tart aperitifs – for example, or that you normally drink dry citrusy cocktails. This way, I can concoct something that you won’t induce your gag reflex and bump up my spill check.
5. “Redbull Vodka” Translation: You’re a Bro. Learn how to properly order. Similarly, “Cranberry Vodka” is not the same thing as “Vodka and Cranberry.” A few tidbits like this will easily elevate bar game to the next plateau and help you look less and less like a 23-year old, uncultured asshat.
6. “I’m friends with the owner” Translation: You may have read about the management group’s partners in the Daily News, or of them may have been doing what they do best in rolling up to you, a total stranger, simply to inquire about how well you were being serviced. In your mind, that means you’re entitled to name drop as if you’re fucking one of them and expect free shit from me in return. PSA: If you’ve resorted to mind fucking me with your games, I know right off the bat it’s 100% scamboogery. I bet you I’ve seen, hung out with, know more about, and have been more intimate with the owners of my bar than you ever will. I’ve seen and heard this line hundreds of times – I assure you. It will get you absolutely nowhere but painted as an asshole.
7. “Whiskey Coke” or “Whiskey Sour” Translation: You’re French (an explanation for many State-side phenomenons). Or, you have no idea what Whiskeys are and you care neither if I put Kerosone or Butane in your cocktail. PSA: ‘call’ for your favorite Irish Whiskey, or Scotch, or Rye and you won’t look like, nor be treated like an idiot.
8. “Grey Goose… Up, Dirty” or “Chopin… Rocks, Olives” Translation: You’re a douchebag who believes they know how to order. You’re sure going to impress your friends with your in-depth knowledge of bar-speak, aren’t you? PSA: You look like an ass. If you want a Martini, say so. When I start asking you qualifieing questions to make sure I’ve gotten your order straight, quit looking at me as if I have five heads. Chances are, you want a Martini but are too manly or dumb to say so. “Goose Up, Dirty” is not the same as “Dirty Goose Martini.”
9. “Absolut O.J.” or “Beefeater and Grapefruit” Translation: I.D.I.O.T. PSA: No one in their right mind, would actually call for pedestrian hooch, when presented with – I don’t know – quality spirits right beside the crap, that is far less likely to turn your stomach to shreds. Calling for crap (Absolut, Gordons, Beefeater, E&J, Berringer, blaa, blaa blaa) confirms that (a) your palate has been seared by a propane torch and rendered unable to make distinctions between the simplest of flavor profiles (b) you’re retarded (c) you’re uneducated and (d) you’re a cheap fucker (e) you care nothing about brain-pounding hangovers or (f) all of the above.
10. “Do we have to pay now?” Translation: You’re 30 years old but this is the first time out of the house in The Big City without your elderly parents, who normally foot the bill for all of your antics. You’re an assclown of the highest order. If the barkeep tells you “that will be $25 dollars please” or asks “would you like to run a tab, or pay as you go,” those are not codes for turn your back and get your mack on with the chiquita to your immediate left. It means, pay up sucka – and pay now. Yes! You have to fucking pay now moron. Unless you’re at a slow restaurant bar in the day, where the bartender has absolutely nothing to do, be prepared to cough up some plastic or green immediately when served – period.