Idiot Clergy Woman of the Day: Pastor Alois Bell

Today, we have a new Blog Category today: Idiot Clergywoman of The Day. Although, I suspect this may turn out to be  a very, very lonely section for quite some time to come. Umm… that’s probably because the other 99.999 percent of Pastors, Priests, Nuns, Deacons, Rabbis, Imams, etc. are - you know – followers of a certain credo, shall we say? Like the one that is peace-loving, forgiving, tolerant, and above all – generous. I like to believe that they are not cheap, vindictive, PMS’ing hypocirites like our sister above.

It has now been widely reported that Pastor Bell recently visited a local Applebees and proceeded to completely stiffed the waitress. In keeping with all the teachings of a certain, unnamed biblical Goliath (who is allegedly the son of God) and the heart of her chosen profession, she (allegedly) went even further and scribbled the note below on the credit card voucher instead.

St. Louis Applebees waitress Chelsea Welch was the apparent victim. It’s not entirely clear at this point if she was in fact the waitress who served the good Pastor or if she was a fellow server. Either way, Ms. Welch, understandably quite upset, did what any modern F.O.H., technologically-adept, server would do. She snapped a pic of said voucher and posted it to Reddit. Now look… this is quite common within the Server/Bartender blogosphere. Unfortunately for Ms. Welch, she neglected to “anonymize” the time, date, exact name, credit card authorization, merchant ID, best photoshopped out when roasting idiot customers on the InterTubes.

For the viewing public, it should be noted that the good Pastor had a large party that had apparently rung up in excess of $200 of food and  beverages. Most bars/restaurants will apply a mandatory service charge (auto-grat) to parties of six or more. Some nightclubs apply this practice to every single transaction. At the end of their meal, this particular group of folks asked for separate checks – something which diners really need to ask for before placing orders, not after. Doing so afterwards places great hardship on the server (and potentially manager). I suspect they asked towards the end of their meal in order to try and skirt the gratuity convention. Who knows?

While I feel badly on behalf of the server for (1) getting screwed (2) getting severely insutled and (3) getting fired, there are several lessons to be learned and some positives to come out of this situation.

Applebees Server:

Negative: You no longer have a job
Positive: You no longer have a job,  at Applebees. Be thankful, very thankful. You’re now free to peruse Craigslist for a job befitting a human being (i.e., just about any other job)

Negative: You’ve gotten very bad national publicity. Future service industry employers will be very reluctant to offer you a position as many of them, if not most, will have read the same charming descriptions of how you blatantly violated Corporate Communications and Media Contact policies. Applebees (like almost every other established chain) surely had you sign those documents when you were hired. The $6 tip you lost, and minuscule income tax liability you incurred was not worth your actions, in my humble opinion. You simply should have grumbled and moved on with your other covers.
Positive: You’ve gotten publicity – period. There’s an old saying “there’s no such thing as bad publicity.” If I were in your position (which I never will be, because I’m more than a half-wit), I’d do my very best to attempt to parlay my 15 minutes of fame into another job of some sort. At the very least, you might be able to snake a couple of paid interviews or get yourself on a steamy (paid) episode of Jerry Springer or the like.

Pastor Alois:

Negative: You’re going to burn in the fires of Hell.
Positive: You’re going to burn in the fires of Hell. Well, maybe not. The traditional Christian concept of Eternal Damnation, as are many fear-tactics born of “faith,” is bullshit. Hell, is here on Earth in many, many forms – including getting burned at the alter of public opinion. You’re flock is likely to shun you or, better yet, demand your firing or resignation. Not because you’re a dumb ass, but because this relatively minor aberration has exposed you as sham of a religions leader on an epic scale – one who has no business preaching to anyone about anything in an official capacity.

Negative: Many industry folks are likely to recognize you – for a little while anyway. I dunno… they may look at you sheepishly, hawk a lugie in your chicken wing sauce, or otherwise seek a tiny bit of retribution on behalf of all other servers who’ve likely suffered the misfortune of having you at their table. I’m guessing that this isn’t the first time you’ve either stiffed a tipped worker completely, or short-changed them to some extent.
Positive: Like the shit-for-brains server at the core of recent events, you’ll also likely be able to capitalize on the incident and clown yourself on the media circuit, pocketing a few bucks. Heck, you might even be able to cajole some random church or two into offering you a soon-to-be-needed pastorship or something. Me? I was thinking that a position within the truly elite, The Westboro Baptist Church, might suit you just fine.

Good luck to you both.


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3 thoughts on “Idiot Clergy Woman of the Day: Pastor Alois Bell

  1. You had me until you decided to play Theologian wannabe. I agree that the Pastor’s behavior was abhorrent, not because of who she claims to be, but rather for the act itself regardless if shes a clergy, doctor, lawyer or whatever. If your belief that a certain faith is B.S. that is your right – but don’t judge people of any faith as not being tolerant and then exude your own intolerance. Funny how those of no-faith always have a preconceived notion on how those who have faith should behave.

  2. Hilarity bud. Who said I was “of no faith” or “intolerant?” Get a grip. This is a humorous, highly-sarcastic blog, not CNN. You’re entitled to your opinion just as I am. My belief is that – yes – clergy folks are indeed held to a higher standard than most just as law-enforcement officers are. If you believe otherwise, that’s your prerogative – sure. Diners/customers leave these kind of scriblings routinely. Why do you think it made nation-wide news? Although it was a relatively insignificant act, it’s news because she violated the very tenants of her profession. Enough said.

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