It’s 4th of July people… yeah, you know what that means: you’ll be guzzling whatever cheap pisswater your second best BFF has so generously [not] spent a ton of money on at his shitty BBQ. And oh, you won’t be complaining about it. Cuz any hooch that’s bite-ass cold (and gets you buzzed) has got to be ok, right? It’s like a broke-ass, glory days of Freshman year redux only, it happens every year ’til you check out. You sure as shit know Dave has him a kitchen fridge teaming with ice cold Leffe, Old Engine Oil, Chimay Blue and Lagunitas. But you, Mr. 4th of July Party Guest, ain’t gettin’ none of it!. You’ll be relegated to quenching your thirst with this jizz above as you freeze your hand off deep-diving into a ginormous Coleman cooler of some sort. Oh well, the shit is free, right? It can’t be all bad.
The fine imbibers over at Deadspin (gosh, I heart me Gawker media assets), have graciously assembled a mucho fine list of uber-crap to avoid this holiday. Head on over there for the full article. Here are some choice tasting notes:
24. Busch Light. This is for the sort of person who buys tube socks at the bus stop. Like on the one hand, all right, good job holding it together enough to get some brand-new socks on your feet. But then on the other hand, I can’t help but point out that if you’d been a little more rigorous in planning your day, you wouldn’t be buying socks at the bus stop.
26. Bud Light. Tastes like printer paper and often gives the impression of unfreshness, which is alarming given the high turnover. There’s a very good chance you and Bud Light will join forces at some point over the holiday weekend, and that’s all well and good, but please don’t take it into the bathroom with you. I used to clean bar bathrooms, and an overwhelming majority of the bottles left in the john at the end of the night were Bud Light. Bud Light dudes are afraid of leaving their beer unattended, as if they have reason to worry about the fate of unattended beers. I suppose there’s something apt about these beers ending the night on top of a urinal. It’s like a little story about the nitrogen cycle.
5. Pabst Blue Ribbon. It took me a few years to come around on PBR, probably because I was the sort of dipshit who worried about what message my beer was sending. Now that I’m liberated from such petty concerns, I can tell the world, “Hey, look at me spend $14 to get all-day drunk on clean, nondescript beer that tastes like Budweiser is supposed to.”