Macking With The Staff

Well, well.  Aside from quick and easy off the books cash (off the books rarely exists as of the last few years) and sleeping until the afternoon, going home with the bartender is probably the top priority of just about every bartender and patron, man/woman/beast, that has ever stepped foot near a watering hole.  Don’t lie.  I’ve seen your googly eyes and incessant gleaming smiles.  Your brand of crazy only become less inhibited as the night goes on – or worse, progresses to blatant propositions, endless inappropriate staring and pulling a Ma Bell by physically reaching out and grabbing someone. Yikes!

Let’s make one thing perfectly clear – bartenders are working and are in the service business.  Pay close attention to that line.  What it means is that, much like that lovely girl (what’s her name? Candy Rox?) at the Midtown strip club, bartenders are serving and entertaining you, capitulating to you whims with a smile, routinely flirting and leading you on (regardless of your sexual orientation), in an effort to make as much in tips as they possibly can.  Although there are lots of good happy barkeeps in the world, sometimes or I should say often, this is an act – part of the job.  We like to keep people happy.  Happy customers = well compensated service employees.  

Far too many customers are completely disillusioned and misinterpret the bartender’s actions for love interest.  Keep it real folks.  This is mostly not the case even in the case where you offer and we accept your phone number, email, business card, etc.  Sorry to break hearts.  Trendy busy bars in particular hire hot help.  The reasons are obvious – to attract your business.

Now on the flipside, there are going to be hookup instances.  Actually, it’s pretty rampant amongst staff in most places.  And yes, it happens between customers and staff as well to a lesser degree.  The best way to land that bodacious beauty behind the bar, just like us daydreaming dudes trying to land strippers, is to not be a douchebag.  That means (1) having manners/being polite (2) tipping very well [read that one about, I dunno, 100 times] (3) being interesting without being overbearing (4) having a sense of humor [extremely valuable trait] and finally (5) not being creepy [read that one again too].  

Not being “creepy” involves many things. Unfortunately for many folks, this is not obvious and direct result of bad stock (e.g., your parents and upbringing).  You can’t sit there for 2 hours your eyes emblazoned on the long-haired fox, sporting a skin tight mini-dress and PlayBoy cleaving, slinging beers.  Your head can’t be tracking her every movement across 30 feet of bar and your only communication has been “1 beer please.”  Jesus H Christmas!  You should be in jail not at the bar!  You’re prime fodder for the next university Rambo massacre.