Oh man! This looks really, really interesting. Not sure how, but I stumbled across this upcoming film this morning and I’m hooked. Can’t wait to see what it’s all about. This is an about to be released, documentary bartending film by Douglas Tirola.

The film’s Facebook page is nothing short of Bartending Nirvana for lifers like me. Check it out.

Stay tuned.

There are a handful of “bro drinks” out there that, when ordered, instantly make me either cringe. The Long Island Iced Tea, frequently referred to as an L-I-T, is near the top of that short list. I haven’t had one since I was maybe 24 (nearly 20 years ago). There’s a good reason: It’s nasty, ghetto, bro‘ish, lacks sophistication, and is generally not a treat for the palate. Furthermore, it’s deceptively far too high in alcohol content to let you enjoy one after the other without (a) upchucking your lunch in colossal fashion or (b) funnin’ the ass of the cute young stranger directly to your left without permission.

Like the all-too-familiar (a) Progressive Party (b) hide-The-Keg-From-The-RA or (c) garage-top funnels, the art of consuming as many L-I-Ts as humanly possible is a tradition that’s been passed down from bro to bro, at fraternities nationwide. Similarly, the tradition has been handed down for generations – from father to son – in low-income neighborhoods throughout New York City. Why? Because for a beverage that’s 80 – 90% alcohol, it goes down quite smoothly [when made correctly] and offers some of the best “bang-for-your-buck” value proposition, in terms of getting all twisted for the least amount of money.

Now look, I’m O.C.D. That being the case, I’ve witnessed an alarming number of bartenders screw this drink up in royal fashion. Even with ghetto drinks, like a “Long Island,” I insist that it be made properly. For someone who’s had a half-dozen drinks, it probably won’t matter at all how it’s prepared. But, for a “connoisseur,” (I use that term loosely) there will be a massive difference between a cocktail prepared by a mixologist artisan and one made by a barkeep who is simply looking forward to funnin’ the next guest. Typically, the latter group has learned to [improperly] make the L-I-T via (a) the hand-me-down method of learning to bartend by an equally apathetic barback or coworker  (b) becoming learn-ed by means of worshipping Mr. Boston [ugh] or (c) a God-awful, waste-O’money “bartending school.”

Anyone can memorize recipes and win at the internets. However, not unlike attempting to become a successful dentist by doing nothing other than reading orthodontics books and trade journals, you will be an abysmal failure behind most bars without practical experience of some sort. Bartending does not equal drink memorization.

So let’s look at the right way of crafting a kick-ass Long Island Iced Tea…

Ingredients:

• 1/2 ounce Vodka
• 1/2 ounce Rum
• 1/2 ounce Gin
• 1/2 ounce Tequila
• 1/2 ounce Triple Sec
• 3/4 ounce Sour Mix (or real-deal sour and a frothing agent)
• 3/4 ounce Coke/Pepsi

Preparation:

• In a 10 – 12oz highball glass (ideal), fill with ice. Every good bartender knows that ice takes up about 50% volume.
• Add all the above spirits
• Add Sour
• Shake vigorously
• Pour back into highball
• Top with cola
• Garnish with lemon

Notes:

• You can save much time at your bar by selecting highball glasses which have the same diameter as Pony (pint) glasses, therefore having the ability to be shaken with a standard, large (28oz) tin bar shaker. Otherwise, you’ll have to first mix it in the bar shaker. Yes, I’ve made my trio of Island Iced Teas in my illustrative photo at the top of the post in pint glasses. However, I over-poured. But I did manage to keep the proportions on point. 
• Where most of my bar brethren fail with this drink is with (a) the proportions and (b) failure to shake. They’re mostly lazy or just don’t know. Like a textbook Margarita, without a froth and properly infused ingredients, it’s simply a different [lackluster] drink.

Long Island Iced Teas must be shaken prior to adding cola

• Tequila and Gin, as opposed to the other spirits and mixers, have very, very potent tastes that can easily overpower other flavors. I pour in the order noted above, ensuring I’m not pouring more Gin and Tequila than called for. Thus, the combination of ingredients, rather than Juniper and Agave, are what’s first noted on the palate.
• A proper Speed Rack or Rail will be stocked with well or call Vodka, Rum, Gin, Tequila and Triple Sec as the first “line of defense” – the most frequently used spirits. This enables for lighting fast L-I-T preparation.

Variations:

• Electric Lemonade (a.k.a., Blue Long Island): Substitute Blue Curacao for Triple Sec. Top with Sprite/7up instead of Coke. This cocktail can be an issue. Bar Psychology 101 dictates that anytime a blue drink, of any kind, is served, half-a-dozen people will ask “what is that?” and probably order one.
  
• Long Beach Iced Tea: Substitute Cranberry Juice for Coke. That’s all there is to it.

As you can see, the “Long Island” (as it’s affectionately abbreviated) is something like 80% alcohol in a smooth cocktail, when properly prepared. Thus, you have it’s popularity among the “I like to get fucked up as quick and as cheaply and as smoothly as possible” crowd. I get a massive kick out of the throngs of revelers who order this drink only to add “…oh, and make it strong.” My standard response is usually something like: “No worries. I’ll take care of you. It’s mostly alcohol to begin with. I’m sure you’ll be satisfied.”

A wise man who wants to achieve the same plateau of imbibery, would simply order and sip slowly upon a classic Gin or Vodka Martini and be done with the adulteries. Bro’s aren’t feeling Martinis in most circumstances.

Young lady walks into busy bar and sits down at an empty stool.

Proceeds to look only down at iPhone.

Bartender finishes with previous customers, rolls up to her, and spouts his usual:

[Me] Hi there. What can I get for you?

[Chick] I’ll take a Corona – with lime. And oh… can I see a menu?

[Me] Sure.

Corona and menu are handed over. Bartender goes about serving numerous other customers with great haste.

Bartender returns to (yet uncharged) young lady:

[Me] Do you know what you’d like from the menu?

[Chick] Wings

[Me] Sure

Bartender enters order into P.O.S. (piece of shit, antiquated, no-name, constantly crashing computer). Bartender returns to young lady.

[Me] That will be $12 dollars. Would you like to pay as you go or keep a tab going?

Young lady is still typing into iPhone without uttering a response, digging for a credit card.

Young lady hands bartender a credit card with no name and says

[Chick] Keep it open

[Me] Sure. I’ll just need an ID as well please

Young lady digs some more (again without saying a word), noticeably angry for unknown reasons, and hands Bartender a credit card.

Bartender notices that the credit card has no name and the I.D. obviously doesn’t match Mrs. Anonymous.

Bartender requests a different credit card that matches the name.

[Me] Sorry, but this has no name on it. I just need a credit card and matching ID to keep the tab open

Young lady looks completely dumbstruck and perplexed. Without saying a word, she stares down the bartender for a few seconds, snaps her teeth, and rolls eyes in a near 360. She starts to hand the Bartender a real-deal, name-embossed credit card then changes her mind.

[Chick] Just run it

[Me] Sure

Bartender returns a few seconds later with a check presenter.

[Me] Here you go…

A few minutes later, wings are had.

Young lady has barely looked up once, spoken to anyone, or been able to break the hypnotic spell the Jesus phone has had on her since she sat down at the bar. Hell, sexting/Facebooking was going on while wings were being had.

Bartender scurries about taking care of other customers and Service Bar dupes hanging down to the floor. He returns a few minutes later and opens up the check presenter to eyeball perhaps a signature.

[Me] All set?

Young lady snaps loudly with Satanic eyes:

[Chick] I haven’t signed it yet!

She firmly yanks the check presenter closer to her, and engages in more requisite mouth snaps and eye-rolling.

Bartender notices that the young lady is signing the credit card voucher, but is taking extraordinarily long to ink a – presumably – simple signature.

Bartender knows, from years of experience, that Young Lady is engaging in that age-old (but very popular) love/hate game, Credit Card Voucher Sports.

Bartender goes about his normal, busy business, all the while anticipating another “love note.” A short while later, the young lady gets up and hurries out the door without a peep.

Bartender would have preferred ZERO tip at all as (1) the experience and the diatribe were worth far more than $9 dollars and (2) I would would have considered it a fairer trade for being on the receiving end of a Silent-but-Deadly bitch fest.

Bartender is left with no choice but to blog about a truly idiotic interaction involving a special PYT that really has no business being in the Service Industry if that’s even true at all.

Note to PYT: Getting your grubby paws dirty behind the counter at Kennedy’s Fried Chicken doesn’t qualify as Service Industry experience, nor does it entitle you to get your PMS on at a really busy dive bar.

Credit Card Voucher Sports: Because apparently, all “bitter career” bartenders need to be taught a lesson. You be the judge…

Gotta love the Ruski’s sense of boldness, aye? The former U.S.S.R. collective often seems to embody an environment apparent lawlessness. Or, at least it’s portrayed that way in American media. The nearly ubiquitous Dashcams-Gone-Wild typically document the effects of such an disorganized state of affairs; reminding me of something – not unlike – post-war [former] Yugoslavia. This time, however, it was a semi-intentional stunt-gone-wrong captured via smartphone at an imbibery.

Now look, despite Bloombergia’s dystopian, draconian, ruleset, I’ve set many a Romana Sambucca, Dr. Pepper shots, and Banane Flambée to dripping blue flame for presentation purposes. Nothing this side of Flair Bartending is as spectacular. I don’t do it as often as I used to these days, but whatever. Regardless, I’d never would I dream of pouring flames into a anyone’s pie-hole. WTF?

Albert Bykov, a barkeep from the Siberian town of Novosibirsk, has different ideas. Apparently, they’re liberal enough over there to allow him to bathe guests in fiery flames on the regular.  This one time, it went abysmally wrong for an (equally idiotic) guest, Alexey Ponamarev. Something tells me that going forward, our boy Alexey might be sticking to that tried-and-true Russian staple, luke-warm Vodka shots.

It’s nearly Kentucky Derby time fools! Personally, I don’t give two craps. I’m the anti-hero when it comes to sports. Golf, Horse Racing, and NASCAR make me dry-heave an extra two times with, twisting my gut with extraordinary pain. I know, I know - sacrilege, right? Especially for a bartender and a dude! I couldn’t care any less about following football, basketball, hockey (extra yikes!), and baseball. My straight guy friends (they’re rare – 9/10 of my friends are hot chicks) hate on me endlessly for being “anti-sports,” a befitting description of me since my early twenties. Shockingly, many of my gay guy friends have a ton more interest in following sports than even I do. Somehow, I fake it pretty good when engaging sports fanatics with seemingly endless conversations at the bar.

The only reason I care about the Kentucky Derby, is because it’s yet another excuse to drink a classic cocktail.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely athletic. I played football – err… soccer – on some sort of organized team level from the time I was six until freshman year of college. I went to Adelphi Soccer Camp for several years. While there, I earned many juggling, penalty shot, and dribbling competitions. I’ve met Pelé, Franz Beckenbauer, and Esky Eskandarian (my heroes) in the flesh, and went to every New York Cosmos game at Giant’s stadium in the 70′s and 80′s with dear old Dad. Pops, btw, is a soccer fanatic, my coach of several years, and was a nearly professional player as young man. He sustained a broken elbow in playing in Haiti that just never healed properly. From the stories he tells me, this injury kept him out of Vietnam during the Johnson-era draft. He (and I) may not have been here otherwise.

I also (a) played tennis for years (b) was on my H.S. Cross-Country track team and baseball team Freshman year. Ever since, I’ve manged to dabble in casual soccer games and drunk football games when the opportunity has arisen. I work out regularly and stay in shape… blaa, blaa, blaa.

I simply cannot tolerate following most professional sports in any way, shape, or form. I do however, love to actually participate in most sports. I’m not a spectator type of person. The same goes for porn and strippers. I can gladly report that I’ve never been one of those dudes pissing away his money in those salty spots. I find them a big friggin’ tease. I’ve got better things to do.

I digress – again.

Anyway, for some really strange reason, Churchill Downs has pushed the Mint Julep on the masses ever since the late 1930′s. Don’t ask my why – I don’t know. So with the upcoming Derby this weekend, it’s only befitting that I get all kinds of poetic, and share my views on the Mint Julep.

The Mint Julep is a good old Southern, classic cocktail. So, it stands to reason that a good-old-boy show y’all how it’s supposed to be done (unlike the myriads of bastardizations out there). Chris McMillian, is the long-time barkeep at the Ritz-Carlton down in good ol’ “Nawlins.” He’s the embodiment of an old-school, classic bartender.

Watch the video. He’s got it down pat. Our boy Chris sure is loquacious, ain’t he? Being a New “Yawka’,” I – for one – have little patience for unnecessary gab. I’ve got shit to do. But, when you’re in the “Slow South,” I guess life slows down appropriately and you have a whole lot more time to indulge in seemingly useless bar banter. Fast-Forward to about the 4:30 mark to see him actually prepare the drink.

Basic Components:

• 2oz quality Bourbon (I drink Old Grandad). You could ostensibly use Rye – but whatever.
• 6 – 10 sprigs of fresh mint (throw it out of it’s wilting or brown)
• 1/2 oz Simple Syrup (equal parts – by volume – of sugar dissolved in water)
• Manually crushed ice

That’s it? Well, yes! But as with many other fine things in life, the devil is in the details

Preparation:

Firstly, you’ll need a proper Mint Julet Cup (below). What that is, is a decorative 12oz (or so) silver, stainless steel, or brass cup. It’s short and fat – unlike a Collins glass. It’s  decorative. Really, you could use any glass of similar dimensions. But, don’t do that. Doing so would take away a little somethin’ somethin’ from the presentation. And, presentation is prolly 50% of what you’re selling/drinking.

Muddle the mint first. DO NOT OVER MUDDLE. If you do, your cocktail will be bitter. This is an issue that many bartenders overlook simply because they just don’t know any better.  It’s a common mistake primarily when making Mojitos.

Add simple syrup, Bourbon, then crushed ice.

Stir mildly. Top with crushed ice to the brim.

Garnish with large and perky mint leaves.

That’s all there is too it folks. Don’t over-complicate a cocktail that doesn’t’ require over-complicating.

Important Notes:

1. Mint is fickle. Mildly muddling – or hand-punishing – will release sweet oils (which is what you want). Pummeling and crassly crushing the leaves/stems will release chlorophyll and impart a nasty, bitter taste on your palate. Many consumers simply don’t know the difference, unfortunately. But, serve them a properly proportioned and muddled beverage, and they’ll come back to your establishment night after night. I’ve witnessed it numerous times.
   
2. Stay away from mechanically crushed/shaved ice. It’s too uniform and fine. I prefer the hand-crushed method as demonstrated in the video. It’s a ton more dramatic (especially using Thor’s hammer) and you have much more control over the size of the final product.
3. Do not use wilting or browned mint. Throw those nasty leaves out. There’s no value in using it.
4. Allow the fully-concoction to gel for a minute or two before sipping.

Enjoy… uhh… the snooze-fest Horse Race. If you’ve had half-a-dozen Mint Juleps, and don a 3-foot wide hat, at least you can laugh pretentiously, pretend to know what the fuck is going on.

Note to bar owners: spring for behind-the-bar dishwashers and/or a proper dishroom. Washing glasses by hand, in your classic three-sink setup, leads to inevitable minor (and sometimes major – as seen) injuries due to hidden broken glass behind all those bubbles and murky waters. When busy, or when washed by less than O.C.D. barbacks, hand-washing also leaves a not so pleasant film on all your glasses. That’s an issue that gets progressively worse as the bar liveliness ramps up, and as the hours tick by without changing wash and rinse waters. Yum! Mucho gusto el extra flavor in cocktails!

I’ve witnesses – first-hand – similar injuries when muddling Mojitos in less than ideal glasses; a situation which sometimes leads to spontaneous and unexpected shattering. Imagine your hand is holding the bottom of said glass while your exerting your manly might with a muddler from up above, in a desperate attempt to crush some rock-hard, out-of-season lime chunks. Yikes.

Yes, that’s my borked thumb. I went back to work the following evening with a finger condom and a severe longing for strong-ass Opiates like Hydrocodone. Though the hot E.R. nurses and doctor were doting on me, they laughed me off when I half-jokingly asked for the good shit – a la Rush Limbaugh. Instead, I got the generic, O.T.C., Midol. What a rip-off. Maybe next time.

Ahh… the time-honored Bloody Mary. This cocktail has been with us for an eternity. Even today, it’s as wildly popular as ever. Yet for some reason, most of us have it in our heads that this buzz-inducing, yet seemingly health-conscious concoction, should only reasonably be consumed on Saturday and Sundays before dark (a.k.a., Brunch). Where’d that idea come from?

This is one of those standard cocktails that every barkeep – from the buffoon at your hog-roast/bait-n-tackle shop on the Gulf Coast, to the master mixologist at the Occidental – must be intimately familiar with. Despite the commonality, like a dozen or so other standards, bartenders routinely muck this drink up for some odd reason. Typically, their establishments (a) use gasp – use commercial Bloody Mary mix – perish the thought or (b) they’re so disengaged, that they’ve become much more interested in pumping out a sub-par drink and moving on, than creating repeat business by offering exceptional cocktails. From my experience, “b” is far more pronounced a problem.

I’m not going to go into the history of the Bloody Mary. There’s a plethora of information out there already for the reading, if only you unleash your wicked google-Fu upon your trusty browser. Not so astonishingly, there is also a shockingly high level of Bloody Mary recipe variations, and they’re all over the map. There is little to no consistency other than the basic Vodka and Tomato Juice components.

So, here’s what I suggest…

Basic Components:

• 8oz quality Tomato Juice
• 2oz quality Vodka (I prefer Tito’s)
• 1/2 Tsp Fine Sea Salt
• 1/4 Tsp freshly ground pepper
• 1 Tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
• 1/2 Tsp Frank’s Red Hot or Tabasco Sauce
• 3/4 Tsp Celery Seeds
• 3/4 Tsp White Horseradish Sauce
• The juice from 1/4 of a fresh large lime

Important Notes:

1. I tend to use Sacramento Tomato Juice most of the time. It’s widely available in conveniently-sized #5 cans. Using fresh tomato juice is obviously best and will impart a significantly more luxurious flavor experience. But, the reality is, this is way too tedious and expensive for the bar to undertake.
2. I’ve mentioned it before, but don’t drink crap vodka – ever
3. I’ve tried coarse sea salt with this drink before. It doesn’t dissolve as well. Stick to fine salts.
4. Celery Seeds are the key ingredient in my recipe. Well, the balance of all the ingredients is key actually. However, Celery Seeds are what most folks neglect. I don’t particularly like Celery Salt as it contains Celery Flakes and common Table Salt. It’s a different product.
5. Don’t neglect the fresh lime juice or cheap out by using the bottled, chemically-infused crap.
6. Be careful with the Hot Sauce. It’s easy to overdo it. Most folks want to “taste” the heat but not necessarily feel the heat. It’s always easy to add additional heat if needed. But on the flip side, it can be a massive pain in the arse to remake a Bloody Mary from scratch if you’ve over-done it.

Preparation:

For single servings, such as what this recipe calls for, you’ll want to use a Boston Shaker (pint glass). That’s a 16oz vessel. Anything smaller will not be able to properly contain the above proportions. Given the choice, I prefer to stock and serve Bloodys in Parfait glasses. It’s simply a whole lot prettier.

Mix all the above ingredients directly in the glass, stir vigorously, and fill with ice. Don’t shake it. Shaved/crushed ice is not a pleasant experience in tomato juice.

In a commercial (bar) setting, this is not a cocktail you want to prepare à la carte, as described above. It’s far too time consuming. Rather, you’re going to want to batch it fresh every day or two. I highly recommend using half-gallon Store-n-Pours for this purpose. They’re perfectly sized and not too weighty. Simply multiply the proportions above to suit the container.

And for God’s sake people, don’t over-fill the drink only to have crap running down the sides. That’s nasty and unprofessional. No cocktail should ever be filled higher than 1/4 – 1/2 inch below the rim of the glass. Take this into account as inserting the celery stick will cause the level to rise slightly.

Garnish:

One thin celery stick and one lime wedge. Olives, thick-cut bacon, pineapples, french fries, sauteed onions, blue cheese, etc. are all ridiculous and don’t belong. It’s not a meal, it’s a cocktail. If someone asks, which they do, I’ll provide 2 or 3 olives on a toothpick, gently floated on top.

Variations:

Bloody Maria: substitute Tequila for vodka. I know… it sounds weird but it’s actually an incredibly tasty delight

Bloody Caesar: Same recipe but use half Tomato Juice and half Clam Juice.

Bloody Bull: Ditto but with half Tomato Juice and half Beef Broth

When your dumb ass has lost the bar’s last can opener and you’re in the weeds, there’s only one sure-fire way to open #5 tin cans – a nicely squared, steel corner of a nearby cooler. We’ve all been there. Ill-advised or not, slam the end of the can into the corner, hopefully opening a good-sized gash like the one above. Pull back quickly and you’ll lose maybe an ounce or two of content. Don’t try this at home folks… you’ll destroy your counter tops and create one sticky hell of a mess on your residential floor.

The can is perfectly clean. What you’re seeing is just gooey, particulate-laden, post-pour, Pineapple goodness on the lid.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not claiming this is what I practice. It’s just a demonstration of Bartender-Survival-Fu in emergency situations. Among other health code requirements, you must have a proper can opener, gloves, tongs, etc. at your bar at all times.

Black Booster Whisky

Today’s Advertising Fail: Witness Kadco “Brewery” and it’s fine, fine Black Booster ”Whiskey.” Its cost: $3.65 per 5 liters (1.3 U.S. gallons). I don’t know which denomination/currency this is was quoted in. But, whichever it happens to be, it’s damned cheap.

Quality control:

• Ghetto-approved plastic jug: check
• Looks like Dextron III, 100,000-mile antifreeze (and could efficiently substitute as such): check
• Mass produced: check
• Made in third-world, Junta-ruled country with lack of infrastructure and reliably clean water: check
• Supposedly “distilled” and bottled packaged by an obscure company: check
• Carlo Rossi, Ernest & Julio Gallo approved: check
• Fonzi would drink it: check

Other practical uses:

• Scale, lime and rust removal
• Porcelain polish
• Temporary blinding agent
• Mix with dish soap to make cheap Napalm
• Efficiently destroys Louse and simultaneously dissolves unwanted hair
• Relieves Constipation

Within the bartending and retro-bar (read: Speakeasy) circles of New York City, one person’s name is uttered more than most as having been the most influential in recent years. That name – the man – is Sasha Petraske. I don’t know a ton about the guy. But, I do know a ton about his venues and reach. I’m a huge fan and infrequent guest. To say he’s had a slight impact on the “haute-imbibery” (which few might describe as douchebaggery  in some cases) would be akin to denoting Danny Meyer – and his Union Square Hospitality Group – has had a “small role” in shaping the downtown NYC dining scene. Rather, these folks are 10,000 pound, gargantuan elephants in Hospitality in terms of influence.

Senor Petraske (that’s him below)  is the proprietor of, or responsible for, several of the most successful and storied throwback cocktail emporiums of the last 5 or 10 years – in this town at least. I’m referring specifically to Little Branch, Middle Branch and Milk and Honey – all of which elicit instant [positive] anxiety, the kind of mouth wetting frenzy whipped up when you’re sauced, haven’t eaten for 12 hours, and spot a Taco Truck.

Diposology recently had a sit-down with Middle Branch Managing Partner, Lucinda Sterling, to talk cocktail balance. What came out of that conversation – what they’ve published – is a pure gem; a must read for bartenders/mixologists hoping to up their game (that should apply to all bartenders). 

“As cocktail patrons, we’ve heard this one often enough: someone comes into a bar and asks for something that’s “not too sweet.”  But usually, what they actually mean is that they want something balanced.

The concept of sweetness in cocktails has evolved over the years with the advent of refrigeration and modern transportation systems. In the old days sugar & sweetness were a result of ingredients being preserved so they would last longer on the shelf, and cocktails evolved in part as a result of the availability of ingredients.”

Misconceptions about the relationship between seemingly “sweet” and potent cocktails have existed for years. This is particularly visible at bars which focus on details other than “mixology,” and whose bar staff deals primarily in volume or is comprised mostly of eye candy. The overwhelming majority of bar guests I’ve run into over the years think they know, but really have no clue what a “dry” drink really means.

So head on over to Dipsology for the entire educational read. Better yet, mosey on over the delightful Midtown Middle Branch to sample their plentiful, well-balanced, and original goodies. While you’re at it, get your learn on by (a) studying their environment for what makes them successful and (b) politely picking the brains of their obsessive bar staff.