Today, I start a new series “Drink This Not That.” As the title implies, I unleash a world of hurt and knowledge upon the sheeple of the drinking world. It’s come to my attention that throngs of imbibers and borderline alcoholics are not necessarily stupid, but ignorant. They’ve been mis-educated, not educated at all, or have simply grown accustomed to drinking junk. Well, this bartender is here to turn their misfortunes around.
We start with what I call Pisswater. Quit drinking it. You probably know most of the folks who guzzle this stuff. At least, the bartenders among us do. These are the clowns who, given a breadth of other options, still choose to quench their penchant for suds with cheap, pedestrian, mass-produced, nearly flavorless Lagers (mostly) like: Bud, Coors Light, MGD, Stella Artois, Rolling Rock, Michelob Ultra, Heineken, Amstel Light, and Becks. I can hear the scoffing… :”Stella? Heineken?” Yeah, those beers are utter crap. I said it.
POTUS Bro (Black Bro growed up), Bieb-Bro (Bro in training), Icing Bro and Funnel Bro
Bros – a bartender’s favorite type of customer – not. A Bro is held in such rarefied regard, that he gets his own, dedicated post.
What’s a “Bro” you ask? Bro, is short for “brother.” You can look at him as the White guy version of a Black Man’s “son.”
A Bro is a recent college grad, a retarded 5th year undergrad, or an even more retarded post-college 20-something year old loser. Bros are white guys – WASPy – usually of non-practicing Christian descent from places like (a) Ardsley, Katonah, and Dix Hills, NY (b) Randolph and Wayne, NJ and (c) various wealthy Connecticut enclaves. They make up part of the weekend NYC Bridge and Tunnel set. However, they can sometimes be found sharing a Craigslist Special, 3 or 4 in a bunch, living in certain areas of Manhattan and Brooklyn during the early stages of graduation from Bro to Douchebag (Bro’s often graduate to Douchebags with age). Their pads are sparsely furnished, fridges devoid of food (except for ketchup, WonderBread and O.J.), and the floors are littered with week-old empty pizza cartons and bugaboo-filled empty beer cans.