It’s 4th of July people… yeah, you know what that means: you’ll be guzzling whatever cheap pisswater your second best BFF has so generously [not] spent a ton of money on at his shitty BBQ. And oh, you won’t be complaining about it. Cuz any hooch that’s bite-ass cold (and gets you buzzed) has got to be ok, right? It’s like a broke-ass, glory days of Freshman year redux only, it happens every year ’til you check out. You sure as shit know Dave has him a kitchen fridge teaming with ice cold Leffe, Old Engine Oil, Chimay Blue and Lagunitas. But you, Mr. 4th of July Party Guest, ain’t gettin’ none of it!. You’ll be relegated to quenching your thirst with this jizz above as you freeze your hand off deep-diving into a ginormous Coleman cooler of some sort. Oh well, the shit is free, right? It can’t be all bad.
Today, I start a new series “Drink This Not That.” As the title implies, I unleash a world of hurt and knowledge upon the sheeple of the drinking world. It’s come to my attention that throngs of imbibers and borderline alcoholics are not necessarily stupid, but ignorant. They’ve been mis-educated, not educated at all, or have simply grown accustomed to drinking junk. Well, this bartender is here to turn their misfortunes around.
We start with what I call Pisswater. Quit drinking it. You probably know most of the folks who guzzle this stuff. At least, the bartenders among us do. These are the clowns who, given a breadth of other options, still choose to quench their penchant for suds with cheap, pedestrian, mass-produced, nearly flavorless Lagers (mostly) like: Bud, Coors Light, MGD, Stella Artois, Rolling Rock, Michelob Ultra, Heineken, Amstel Light, and Becks. I can hear the scoffing… :”Stella? Heineken?” Yeah, those beers are utter crap. I said it.