Bartending Myths Debunked

Bartending seems pretty cool, doesn’t it? You’re sitting on your couch 4:30am, after a long night of partying, inhaling Cheetos, toking a bong, and wishing you hadn’t sucked down those last two shots of Jager. The TV is glaring and - wouldn’t you know – Tom Cruise is spinning bottles, without spilling a drop of precious booze – go figure. “Cocktail” is on again. You’re captivated by this ultimate display of Flair and enthralled with the “the good life” bartending can offer… a playboy lifestyle on a Caribbean island, and endless string of doting groupies – ready to rip of your clothes, travel, fast cars, easy drugs, blaa, blaa, blaa.

You want to be a bartender above all else. Screw the post-graduate work, your parents ambitions for you, law school, or whatever. You’ve got your eyes set on getting behind the stick. I mean, how hard could it be? Any monkey can pour drinks, right? Let’s find out…

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Flair… Meh

I don’t get down with Flair Bartending.  This is an indulgence best left for people who don’t want to actually take care of customers, serve drinks or make money – you know, by actually bartending.  Yes, the best get paid and compete and all that; a quick trick is surely impressive once in a while.  However, it’s a visual entertainment phenomenon best left for Vegas freaks and tacky Clevelander (Miami Beach) “bartender” types who are more accurately described as “performers.”  

Yeah, I’m a performer too in many ways.  However, my focus is on volume sales of food and beverages while being engaging, funny an flirtatious so that both the the establishment and I can make some freaking money.  My main objective is to not spill half my owner’s very expensive liquor on the floor doing ridonculous things like trying to pour 7 shots from 7 shakers simultaneously, or spinning full bottles of primo Single Malts around like a circus clown while the bar is three deep.  Anyone who thinks otherwise, has never worked behind a revenue generating bar.  Rather, they’ve been watching too many late-night encores of “Cocktail” and “Roadhouse.”  Speaking of which, don’t ever mention that Tom Cruise movie in my presence.  You’ll instantly be painted as a douche who thinks he knows everything.

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