Bedouchery and Belligerence – Getting Your Ass Handed to You

3:42am ... Kiefer tussles with bouncers

Our boy Jack Bauer (er., Kiefer Sutherland) in his finest hour.

Some of us have been there, haven’t we? The Angry Drunk – belligerent, argumentative, loud, “forgetting” to pay, getting all up in people’s faces, spit-talking, shockingly bold and touch-feely with the neighboring guy/girl. Quite often, the asshat behavior is followed by increasing – shall we say – “attention” from some very large, intimidating men with walkie-talkies.  Often, the offenders awake a few hours later to find themselves (1) still arguing (2) behind bars or cuffed to a hospital gurney (3) covered in black-and-blue, bloody clothes, broken limbs and (4) seething in pain.

Over the years, I’ve seen, and have had to run interference for, far too many of these “incidents.”  So, what is it exactly, that makes a douchebag so frenzied?  What prompts a seemingly ordinary dude (and occasional chick) to invoke peoples’ ire to the point of a physical interaction and a resultant can of whoop-ass from the powers that be?  It’s not the obvious [alcohol].  It all can be explained in one word – upbringing.  I blame your idiotic, neglectful, alcoholic, dirt-ass parents.  They are the ones, through direct involvement or blatant negligence, who are most responsible for who you are – a violent dickhead.  Booze is simply a lubricant.  It doesn’t make you an idiot.  It just loosens you up and brings out what’s already under the surface.

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Idiot Bartender of the Day: Racist Edition – Jessica Elizabeth

Jessica Elizabeth… you complete me.  Oh Proof nightclub.. you had me at boobage.

So, the genius powers-that-be at Proof nightclub in Chi-town decide it’s in their best interests to hire a stripper-looking bartender to boost business.  They proceed to employ a stereotypical, bleach blonde bimbo; one with a perfectly matched, but ghastly, set of surgically enhanced, out for the world to see, double-dee endowments, an unbelievably even glow disgusting spray on salon tan, and fresh bleached teefs.

Now, I may be wrong (does an Oh God 360), but I suspect that the manager/owner who did the hiring, in this case, was a dude.  I also surmise that Ms. Elizabeth would stare like a deer in headlights, if I walked in and ordered a Perfect Manhattan, Seagrams V.O. Old Fashioned, or Knob Mint Julep. I’d likely be directed to enjoy a refreshing Jack & Coke instead.  I challenge you to prove me wrong on both charges.

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Controlling or Minimizing Bartender Theft

Here’s an important read for all you owners and operaters…

  • If you can, run the place yourself. This is by far the greatest deterrent/preventative. You’ve completely eliminated all opportunity. You can’t possibly steal from yourself… or can you? You can certainly mismanage a business and run it into the ground however. Let’s face it: a bartender stealing cash from an owner is a crime of opportunity. Bad management practices, bad policies and lack of enforcement have left the door open. Obviously, working solo is kind of impossible to do 100% of the time in most places.
  • Be realistic. Keep in mind that in a cash bar, other than a sole proprietorship described above, there is no way in hell you can completely eliminate theft – you can only minimize it; thus, the title of this article.
  • Alternatively, if you have several bartenders, occasionally drop behind the bar and do the bar tending yourself. Thieves hate confrontation or even the threat of confrontation. Bartenders will inexplicably be on their best behavior when authorities are nearby – go figure. If you don’t know how to bartend, and you’re a bar owner or responsible for its operations, shame on you. You really have no business being in charge. You’re in for a rude awakening one day. Your best defense against theft is knowledge – know what the hell you’re doing at a bar in the first place. If you have even the slightest hesitation, hire someone who does know what they’re doing or get the appropriate training and experience.  In a nut shell, be or hire a “Pit Boss.”

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