Hell hath no fury like that of a service bar printer gone wild. Dupes down to the floor and another stack of “chads” hanging by one’s lips. Round after round of 20 lemon drops (all with sugared rims), followed by 20 B52s (all layered – I kid you not), all evening long for bachelorettes. Getting yelled at by waitstaff for “slow” drink service, spilled sticky liquors all over your arms, bleeding fingers and running out of various key spirits at the most inopportune times. All the while, one guest to whom you’ve just handed a check presenter, insists he didn’t have half the drinks on his tab and demands a refund. A manager is nowhere in sight and conveniently neglected to offer you a walkie-talkie that evening. Another guest, simultaneously demands 4 Mojitos and and 3 Lychee Martinis of you. a Welcome to hell, otherwise known as the Service Bar.
With that, let’s look at some of the cocktail waitress heiresses you’ll often run into. Our buddy Caveman first tackled this list last year in The Top Ten Most Annoying Cocktail Waitresses.
1. The Napkin Stuffer – She’s an efficient waitress. She always follows The Steps of Service with an eagle’s eye on her tables. Nary will she let a 1/3 full glass lie unguarded without either (a) offering [trying to sell] another drink or (b) snagging the empties, wiping down the table and generally – trying to turn the table over. There’s only one problem. The Napkin Stuffer has no concept of the garbage can or bus bin. Stuffing trash in empty glasses, then stacking them on the bar (or dishroom) for someone else to deal with is her modus operandi. She loves to stack the bartop with glasses full of chicken wing bones, used gum, and crusty bev-naps, in an attempt to “enhance” the ambiance for your bar guests. As you might expect, she wants nothing less than to make it really easy for barbacks and bartenders to process dirty glasses. What a lovely sight to behold.
Can you say “awkward?”
More often than not, wealthy (or well backed) owners have far too much discretion in designing and building a operational bar. Those folks are typically focused (arguably) on aesthetics – form over function. The problem? From what I’ve experienced over the years, the owners spec’ing out bar architecture, construction, and equipment procurement have little to no experience bartending. That tends to create a myriad of long-term problems which lead to all manner of bartender frustration, O.S.H.A. risks, employee collisions, re-stocking difficulties, guest annoyances, and in general – reduced income through all those inefficiencies. Let’s take a look at some of the most common mistakes in bar design…
So you want to be a bartender, eh? Oh, it’s not that hard – or is it? Like many other of life’s pursuits, the job is what you make of it. Meaning: you make it difficult or you make it easy. The more you study (not necessarily books), the more knowledge you absorb, and mostly – the more experience you acquire, the better you will be at bartending and easier your job will become. Notice, I didn’t say “…the better you will be at slinging drinks.” If you’ve been reading my blog a while, you’ll know that there’s a shit-ton more to being a great bartender than just memorizing index cards with drink recipes that you gleaned from (God-forbid) Mr. Boston.
It seems we’ve all been there – the not so glorious Service Bar. It can get stupid busy with that horrific, little printer spitting out dupe after dupe, piling onto the floor. It’s nightmare-inducing at times. The whole while, you’re (a) hounded by half a dozen retarded servers and (b) doing your best to juggle your main bar duties – if you don’t have a dedicated service bar minion. Have you ever had to make a drink twice because servers haven’t spiked their dupes? Don’t you want to “reach out and touch someone” in a violent fashion when the same server repeatedly rips the dupes off the printer, causing you not to see drinks need to be made?
I’m not going to continue to describe the various states of server befuckery we’ve all endured at the service bar. Why? Because my fellow barkeep Caveman nailed it. I mean, he nailed it dead-ass. So head on over to TalesFromABar and read the article yourself. You can relive your worst evenings dealing with the likes of The Greedy Bitch, The Garnish Enthusiast, The Magician and the most common type of cocktail server idiot, The Caller. Well done sir Caveman.