Cum Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

I’m the bartender. She’s the drunk. No, seriously – my wife is a raging, binging, drink ’til you pass out (or get arrested), violent, lunatic of an alcoholic. I have guy friends and co-workers with the a similar, inbred “disposition.” But I didn’t date them on and off for years, get them sperminated a couple of times, then wind up signing some bullshit, legally binding, life-long contract like I did with this one – let’s call her – Shanaynay (Martin Lawrence reference for you young’uns)

So how the fuck is a chick with nearly no capacity to avoid getting black-out state sauced, supposed to stay sober when her boyfriend/husband is continually engaged in dirty deeds – doling out Enablement, and depending upon it for a living? Short answer: It’s nearly impossible.

Continue reading

Ashes to Glory – Tito Beveridge Tells His Story

Dude, if you’ve read my horribly brief review on Tito’s Texas Vodka, you’ll know that (1) I suck ass at reviewing vodka (2) I’m hearting me some Tito’s Holy Water lately and (3) I can’t get enough of this guy born burrito “Burtito.”  Anyway, I don’t even know him – but he rocks!  This is likely the greatest story – er… – ever told.  My new BFF.  I’m mesmerized by a good Southern accent almost as much as I’m romanced and stricken silly by the average Glaswegian, Dublin/Hiberno, or Cockney speak. Southerner, born and bred.

Humble, well spoken, funny, in-touch. Been broke, been doing well. He’s just takin’ it all in stride – true gentleman style.  Buy his hooch… buy a lot of it.

YouTube Preview Image

Tito Beveridge – Tito’s Texas Vodka

Uh yeah.  That’s the dude’s real name.  Go figure.  If you’ve read my other vodka posts #1 and #2, you may have heard mention of this guy and his hooch.  I’m a sucker for an underdog, a great rags-to-riches story, and most of all – thumbing my nose at the mainstream.  I’m continually rolling my eyes and internally fuming, each and every time someone asks for Ciroc or Goose.  Help me – please.

I again blame the greedy French and their Madison Ave public relation goons for selling out to “brands” like Diddy, P.Diddy, Puffy, Puff Daddy, Spiffy, P.Combs, No Combs, No J.Lo, or whatever Prince-inspired name change he comes out with tomorrow.  I’m a firm believer that there is an inverse relationship to quality and quantity once a product turns extremely popular and mass-market.   

Continue reading

Vodka Review: The Good, the Bad and the Overrated

If there was ever a question as to my reaction, my baffled look, why I seemingly throw attitude, why I give slight pause, or even why my face muscles determine it’s a good time to throw an Oh-God-360 when someone tries to order a Ciroc and something, look no further than the exhibit to your right.  

Poor Hennessey, Ciroc, Hpnotiq, Alize and even Grey Goose.  French distillers, for reasons inexplicable to me, seem to love, love, love being associated with the goofy side of Hip-Hop culture.  <Flame_on>, but it seems to me that having moronic, headline-grabbing (for the wrong reasons) ass-clowns hawk your products, by agreement or involuntarily (think wasted Kanye chugging a bottle of Henny-hen-hen at the MTV awards), would be a detriment to your fine brand and image, no?  My sentiments have nothing to do with race as there are overexposed idiots of white, black, Aisian and Hispanic flavors. Diddy, Paris Hilton, Kanye, and Kim Kardashian all come to mind immediately.  But, I guess I’m in the minority here as this seems to be the trend pour nôtres amis Français in the last few years.  I’m guessing they view it as good short-term marketing in a down economy. Long-term, I would never sign on the dotted line if it were my age-old, historic distillery. I’d more like, you know, fire my entire marketing staff instead.

I, for one, actually enjoy an occasional glass of Alize.  In addition, I almost always finish my dinner outings with a slightly warm glass or two of, not Hennessy,  but Martell Cordon Bleu (yum!), when and where I can find it.  It’s either that or a Romana Sambuca (Black preferably) and a double-espresso.

Yeah, yeah, I digress… and I know times are tough for many of us. That said, if you must drink this bland vodka stuff, I beg of you not to drink the crap varieties. They will only make you sick in quantity unlike finer (not necessarily expensive) hooch. Educate yourself.  Let’s look at a “most excellent, dude” vodka review – one that I’m in fully agreement with and is impeccably written.  It’s especially meaningful to be because when I do rarely decide to partake in vodka, I typically opt for Stoli.  This one’s again written by our fellow barkeep Dave down in gun-hating, crack-loving D.C.  Visit his blog for the full review

In my last post, I talked about vodka in general. Here, we’re going to talk about some different brands and I’m going to discuss their quality. Again, a lot of this is my opinion, however a well informed one, and not the absolute truth. The point of this article is to point people in a direction and provide them a foundation to form their own opinions by giving my interpretation and a bunch of facts, which has been informed by lots of different sources and research, instead of just marketing, guessing or just not knowing, which is the norm.

There are loads of different choices for vodka out there- it’s the most heavily consumed liquor in the US. So how do you choose which to order? Hopefully by now, you have given up the rail brands and this question has come into your mind once or twice.

So lets get into it!

Click through for full article.

Vodka: Helping People Get Drunk Since the 8th Century

Great, great article written by D.C. bartender (and blogger) Dave, over on Blogspot. If you hazily recall your college days like I do, you’ll insta-gag upon remembering that really bad Urinal-Punch all the frat houses always made with plastic bottle, after plastic bottle, of Georgi.  Yikes! And you wondered why you were always sick the next day, vowing never to drink again during your walk-of-shame back to your dorm?  Shockingly, we still wear that badge of honor years later don’t we?  We still proudly recount those glory days, waking up in seemingly endless pools of blown chunks, naked corpses left and right, not fully realizing what atrocities we had been party to the night before or with whom.  We’ve made a pact that when we “grow up” and become civilized, we’re never gonna let our kids in on our youthful debauchery.

Anyway, the gist is that vodka, by law, is supposed to be tasteless, orderless and colorless. Right… good luck with that one.  The reality is more like every distiller does something a bit different. My personal view is that all vodka sucks ass and will be my last choice in choosing a beverage.  Vodka is like the tofu of the spirits world.  It takes on the flavor of whatever additive you mix it with.  Thus, I let out an inner gasp and chuckle when “connoisseurs” order it on the rocks.  A shit-ton of chicks love this stuff because it’s envisioned as having a low-calorie or no-calorie count (not true).  Then there’s the misconception that vodka doesn’t contribute to a hangovers (also not true).  

Be brave fellas and exhibit a little class.  Try a classic shaken cocktail – something unusual these days that might have some fresh lemon juice and bitters.  Sip a fine whiskey, Cognac or experiment with a glass of wine.  Click through for the full article… 

This post is in 2 parts. In this part, I will be talking some about the basics of vodka. Then in the next section, I’ll go over some of the better vodkas to order, some of the nasty ones and the overrated ones that you think are good but aren’t.

What Makes Good Vodka?
Good vodka is supposed to be tasteless and odorless because it is supposed to be only pure water and pure alcohol. However, they all have some type of taste, but are supposed to lack flavor like gin or bourbon. A lot of taste is a vodka no-no (except flavor infused vodkas).

This is why vodka has been traditionally the “woman’s alcohol,” because it won’t leave you smelling like you’ve been drinking. Apparently back then it wasn’t considered lady like to smell like booze and be overtly drunk. This has changed a little since like the 1940s because given the right place and time of night, some men consider it extremely appealing- but I digress…

Continue to full article…